Somehow, I've ended up as the leader/moderator of an online bible study. I don't really even know how that happened. It wasn't my idea to begin with, that person has decided it's not for him, he gets too frustrated. People have been taking turns leading it, but I've ended up being dubbed the leader by those who participate (even though it varies nightly, we do have "regulars".) When I'm not leading it myself, I end up assisting, and keeping the room from getting too off track and from getting into disagreements. (Of course, discussions happen, we have to be led by the Spirit and go where He takes us. We have heard some amazing testimonies, how the Scriptures relate to people's lives, etc) When I told the gang last night that I wouldn't be around tonight, they weren't happy.
I tried to explain that it's not me doing this, and I don't have to be around. That others can step up and take the initiative, and they will be lead. It's all God, not me, or anyone else in particular. I pray they take that to heart, as my next totally free evening isn't until next Wednesday.
Honestly, being involved in this is exhausting, and at times really frustrating. On average, we end up with 8-10 people, and we're all in different areas of spiritual development. It surprises me, but those who are very experienced Christians seem to still put me in the role of moderator. I feel very relieved and blessed when Marshall comes in, whose knowledge just blows me away, and just supports me, with the occasional comment or suggestion on where to take the room, or what insight to give. With his life, however, he can't be around for long, so I normally just allow myself to be lead and pray through it.
Last night was a real challenge. I lead, and was pulled to talk about deeds, ie James 2:14-26. I went for it. The expected uproar about saving grace ensued, We got that straightened out, which included a brief sidetrack as we had to explain the concept of grace to someone. There were a couple of people in the room who feel that things like smiling at strangers is good enough and that it's pretty much impossible to show your faith through your action and behaviours. Neither I nor anyone else is there to judge anyone (I flat out told people last night that I suck, as I really am nothing, there's so much more I could be doing, sigh). However, we tried to shed a bit of light on the subject, went to Romans 12:1 and Rev 22:12, and I believe most people gained some insight from the conversation.
When I woke up this morning, I was plagued with feelings of insecurity. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm going to screw this up. I shouldn't be doing this. I need to get someone who knows what they are doing to take over. It's not worth it, I should just give up, no one is getting anything out of it. (The enemy obviously does not head to Starbucks at 6am for a coffee break and a smoke. Dang.)
Admittedly, I was feeling pretty lousy, but that was only for a few minutes. I started praising Him, and within seconds, God gave me a verse - John 21:15-17 - where Jesus asks Peter three times if he loves Him, and if so, to feed His sheep.
Okay, okay, got the message, loud and clear.
It may not be easy, but I guess I need to keep going with this,. As long as I rely on God to lead me through this, not on my own strength and knowledge, I'll be fine. I trust Him. I have to admit, the insights have been great, I've been learning too, and it's pushing me to read the Word more as well.
Friday, April 11, 2008
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
Sick for a reason
I hate being sick. I really do. Right now, I have way too much going on in my life to have time to be sick.
When I woke up and was definitely sick yesterday morning, I was not pleased. There was nothing I could do, however, but stay in bed and try and rest. Thankfully, I did get some rest.
Once I got up and started functioning, I tried to make my day as "normal" as possible. I tried talking to some friends, which got me nowhere. I emailed one of my pastors to talk about the meeting we were supposed to have in the afternoon, didn't get a reply. Tried to pray, couldn't concentrate. Tried to read the Word, still couldn't concentrate. I managed to listen to an hour of Chuck Missler, but I have to question how much I actually took in. I couldn't even concentrate well just hanging out and goofing off with some friends online.
As the day wore on, I was becoming increasingly frustrated with both the circumstances of the day, and with myself for not being able to do anything. I distinctly remember thinking "how can I be doing anything to serve God when I'm feeling like this? How can I spend any time with Him if I can't even concentrate on prayer??"
Needless to say, I was feeling worse and worse. I was unable to make it to Bible study. I actually tried to get a ride (I couldn't handle the bus) but was unable to reach anyone. God had other plans.
I had already told people that I wasn't going to be at the bible study we've been having online, and I certainly did not have anything prepared. I didn't feel capable of even coming up with something, so if no one else had, I was going to forget the study. However, one of the regulars found me online, and although he wasn't prepared with anything, he insisted that I show up so they could pray for me. I agreed, a little reluctantly.
So, we headed over for bible study. No one else was there. I was just about to say that we should forget it when someone new wandered in. He had n idea there was a study going on, but when we told him that we normally did a study at this time, his reply was "Oh good, I haven't been a very good Christian lately."
All of a sudden, I wasn't feeling quite so physically ill. Perhaps I stopped paying attention, I'm not sure. However, after the prayer, I engaged him in conversation, and soon enough, I was leading a discussion on 2 Cor 6:14-16. (He had been lead astray by some non-Christian friends.) A few other people appeared, and everyone was pleased. No one was happier than the one who had wandered in by accident, however. He was beyond relieved to be able to talk about what was going on in his life, and to have found people that were willing to listen, and who could guide him based on the Scriptures. (Please note that I don't feel that I am capable of leading a Bible study, I pray through them and the Spirit gives me words to ummm...type) We closed, I lead in prayer for him, and there seemed to be quite a breakthrough.
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
Seems like I was feeling to ill to go to my normal bible study for a reason, doesn't it?
As I was being thanked by the others who were around for my words, I started sputtering a bit and reminded them that it wasn't me, it was Him. and just as I have said in the past to a few people, one person flat out told me that I allowed God to use me, and that in itself deserved thanks. Although I know that it is our duty to do so, there is some truth in that. If you surrender yourself to God and allow Him to use you, no matter what circumstance you are in, He will do it. The results are beyond amazing, and totally unexpected.
As I sit here this morning drinking chicken broth and ginger ale, and eating jellybeans (I'm still not feeling great, and yes, jellybeans are always necessary), I am just beyond grateful that God is in control, not us. He really does know what He's doing.
"But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation" Psalm 13:5 (NIV)
When I woke up and was definitely sick yesterday morning, I was not pleased. There was nothing I could do, however, but stay in bed and try and rest. Thankfully, I did get some rest.
Once I got up and started functioning, I tried to make my day as "normal" as possible. I tried talking to some friends, which got me nowhere. I emailed one of my pastors to talk about the meeting we were supposed to have in the afternoon, didn't get a reply. Tried to pray, couldn't concentrate. Tried to read the Word, still couldn't concentrate. I managed to listen to an hour of Chuck Missler, but I have to question how much I actually took in. I couldn't even concentrate well just hanging out and goofing off with some friends online.
As the day wore on, I was becoming increasingly frustrated with both the circumstances of the day, and with myself for not being able to do anything. I distinctly remember thinking "how can I be doing anything to serve God when I'm feeling like this? How can I spend any time with Him if I can't even concentrate on prayer??"
Needless to say, I was feeling worse and worse. I was unable to make it to Bible study. I actually tried to get a ride (I couldn't handle the bus) but was unable to reach anyone. God had other plans.
I had already told people that I wasn't going to be at the bible study we've been having online, and I certainly did not have anything prepared. I didn't feel capable of even coming up with something, so if no one else had, I was going to forget the study. However, one of the regulars found me online, and although he wasn't prepared with anything, he insisted that I show up so they could pray for me. I agreed, a little reluctantly.
So, we headed over for bible study. No one else was there. I was just about to say that we should forget it when someone new wandered in. He had n idea there was a study going on, but when we told him that we normally did a study at this time, his reply was "Oh good, I haven't been a very good Christian lately."
All of a sudden, I wasn't feeling quite so physically ill. Perhaps I stopped paying attention, I'm not sure. However, after the prayer, I engaged him in conversation, and soon enough, I was leading a discussion on 2 Cor 6:14-16. (He had been lead astray by some non-Christian friends.) A few other people appeared, and everyone was pleased. No one was happier than the one who had wandered in by accident, however. He was beyond relieved to be able to talk about what was going on in his life, and to have found people that were willing to listen, and who could guide him based on the Scriptures. (Please note that I don't feel that I am capable of leading a Bible study, I pray through them and the Spirit gives me words to ummm...type) We closed, I lead in prayer for him, and there seemed to be quite a breakthrough.
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
Seems like I was feeling to ill to go to my normal bible study for a reason, doesn't it?
As I was being thanked by the others who were around for my words, I started sputtering a bit and reminded them that it wasn't me, it was Him. and just as I have said in the past to a few people, one person flat out told me that I allowed God to use me, and that in itself deserved thanks. Although I know that it is our duty to do so, there is some truth in that. If you surrender yourself to God and allow Him to use you, no matter what circumstance you are in, He will do it. The results are beyond amazing, and totally unexpected.
As I sit here this morning drinking chicken broth and ginger ale, and eating jellybeans (I'm still not feeling great, and yes, jellybeans are always necessary), I am just beyond grateful that God is in control, not us. He really does know what He's doing.
"But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation" Psalm 13:5 (NIV)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
