Guess I need to keep going, eh?

Somehow, I've ended up as the leader/moderator of an online bible study. I don't really even know how that happened. It wasn't my idea to begin with, that person has decided it's not for him, he gets too frustrated. People have been taking turns leading it, but I've ended up being dubbed the leader by those who participate (even though it varies nightly, we do have "regulars".) When I'm not leading it myself, I end up assisting, and keeping the room from getting too off track and from getting into disagreements. (Of course, discussions happen, we have to be led by the Spirit and go where He takes us. We have heard some amazing testimonies, how the Scriptures relate to people's lives, etc) When I told the gang last night that I wouldn't be around tonight, they weren't happy.

I tried to explain that it's not me doing this, and I don't have to be around. That others can step up and take the initiative, and they will be lead. It's all God, not me, or anyone else in particular. I pray they take that to heart, as my next totally free evening isn't until next Wednesday.
Honestly, being involved in this is exhausting, and at times really frustrating. On average, we end up with 8-10 people, and we're all in different areas of spiritual development. It surprises me, but those who are very experienced Christians seem to still put me in the role of moderator. I feel very relieved and blessed when Marshall comes in, whose knowledge just blows me away, and just supports me, with the occasional comment or suggestion on where to take the room, or what insight to give. With his life, however, he can't be around for long, so I normally just allow myself to be lead and pray through it.

Last night was a real challenge. I lead, and was pulled to talk about deeds, ie James 2:14-26. I went for it. The expected uproar about saving grace ensued, We got that straightened out, which included a brief sidetrack as we had to explain the concept of grace to someone. There were a couple of people in the room who feel that things like smiling at strangers is good enough and that it's pretty much impossible to show your faith through your action and behaviours. Neither I nor anyone else is there to judge anyone (I flat out told people last night that I suck, as I really am nothing, there's so much more I could be doing, sigh). However, we tried to shed a bit of light on the subject, went to Romans 12:1 and Rev 22:12, and I believe most people gained some insight from the conversation.

When I woke up this morning, I was plagued with feelings of insecurity. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm going to screw this up. I shouldn't be doing this. I need to get someone who knows what they are doing to take over. It's not worth it, I should just give up, no one is getting anything out of it. (The enemy obviously does not head to Starbucks at 6am for a coffee break and a smoke. Dang.)

Admittedly, I was feeling pretty lousy, but that was only for a few minutes. I started praising Him, and within seconds, God gave me a verse - John 21:15-17 - where Jesus asks Peter three times if he loves Him, and if so, to feed His sheep.

Okay, okay, got the message, loud and clear.

It may not be easy, but I guess I need to keep going with this,. As long as I rely on God to lead me through this, not on my own strength and knowledge, I'll be fine. I trust Him. I have to admit, the insights have been great, I've been learning too, and it's pushing me to read the Word more as well.