God is so faithful

Let's face it - we're very fallible. We make promises and break them, make commitments and then forget, etc. On numerous occasions, no matter how good our intent, we have end up disappointing people.

Perhaps that is why it can be difficult for us to trust God at times. We doubt, we don't take Him at His Word, we question and we struggle to do things on our own. We forget that the difference between us and the Lord is beyond measure, and we put limits on what we feel He can and will do for us.

When we cast those limits aside, turn to Him and trust Him, truly amazing things do happen. I got a very vivid reminder of this just last night.

Our church (non-denominational, FYI) believes very strongly in "prayer languages", praying in the Spirit, praying in tongues, however you want to label it. You hear it all the time, and from what I have seen, all of the leaders, elders, deacons, etc., pray in tongues. A while back, I was encouraged (not pressured, I want to make that very clear) to pray to be given a prayer language and learn to pray in the Spirit. So, I did.. After a while, I started getting a little discouraged - although I have friends across the continent who have never spoken or prayed in tongues and I am well aware of that, it started to seem like I was the only one not doing it. I prayed more and gave it up to the Lord. He's promised to give us whatever gifts we need to fulfill our purpose. I told Him that I know that He has given me what I need already, and asked that He reveal more in me so I am able to serve Him better. The Spirit responded, speaking to me, and told me that my prayers would be answered, and I got a vision of me, on my knees, at home.

Whoa. Praise God!

As time went on, however, doubts started creeping into my mind again, and I started wondering if something was wrong with me. (Patience is a Fruit of the Spirit that I really need to develop.) The enemy was taking advantage of my own insecurities, and trying to use something so beautiful against me. I recognized it and was turning to God to fight it off, although I certainly had some rough moments. Yesterday was a very hard day, work was very challenging, I was feeling very alone, but I was trying to turn to Jesus with every negative thought and give Him the glory. I knew I was under attack.

As bible study was ending last night, I felt like I had the rug pulled out from under me. I was approached by a friend who was really excited. She'd been asking me about praying in tongues a couple weeks ago, and she told me that she'd started doing it. I gave her a hug and told her how excited I was for her, but inside, I felt crushed. Slammed. What is wrong with me? I was pretty unhappy when I got home. I thought about just saying forget it and goofing off online, but before I went and did that, I started praying and praising His name, giving Jesus all the glory and telling Him that I trust Him, and that I know things will happen at the perfect time, in accordance to His divine will. Then I hung out with some online friends for a bit, then got ready for bed.

When I went down on my knees to pray last night, it happened. I started praying in tongues. I was happy waiting on Him. I was trusting Him. I knew He'd keep His word to me, and I bless His holy Name.

Anyone who knows me should be very aware that I am nobody special. I am flawed and broken, sometimes very lost and confused. Thankfully, nothing I have done, nothing I am doing, and nothing that I will do is through my own strength or skills. It's all God, because of Him, for Him, and through Him. Words can't express my gratitude. I know He will keep working in me, as He will in ANYONE who opens him or herself to Him. I'm nothing. He is everything. He is so faithful and we are so blessed.

"God is not a man, that he should lie, nor a son of man, that he should change his mind. Does he speak and then not act? Does he promise and not fulfill?" Numbers 23:19 (NIV)

"The enemy is not going to like this."

Those were words I heard last night, at my first prayer ministry meeting. The prayer ministry leader was introducing the new members to the prayer team, and he was being honest. I've learned a great deal over the last few months, one thing definitely being that the more you serve God, the more you put yourself out there for Him, the more leaps of faith you take, the more somebody is going to try to bring you down.

Sounds scary, doesn't it? At times, it is scary. Really scary. A couple months ago I experienced an incredibly strong spiritual attack in middle of a prayer meeting. I had been feeling down for a couple of days, but when I went to the prayer meeting, cast my burdens aside and started praying, I was feeling better. I thought things were okay, but in all honesty, I wasn't being watchful like we are instructed to be. My mind was a blank when, in middle of a worship song, the attack came in the form of a thought: "If things don't get better, you could always kill yourself."

What? NO!

I'm not suicidal, thank the Lord. I haven't been for a long time, but it is certainly something I struggled with as a teenager and as a child.

And so the thought came. My reaction was simple, in my head "What? NO!" I would have discounted it completely, just one of those crazy thoughts, but as I was rejecting that thought in my head, all of a sudden I heard screaming. Across the room, one of the sisters started yelling out that the devil was trying to get someone in the room to think about suicide. She was near hysterics, screaming and crying "Don't do it, don't do it, the devil is a liar, don't listen!"

Whoa. I was terrified at that point. I kept my face as calm as possible and carried on with the meeting, at one point thinking, well, maybe it wasn't me. Maybe someone else was thinking the same thought. The Holy Spirit answered me with the thought "No, it was you" and then an overwhelming feeling of peace and comfort. Wow.

For a long time, I didn't want to talk about that night. I didn't want people thinking that I was nuts, depressed, or anything else. Today I look on that night as another turning point. Despite my fears, I started talking about it, praying about it, and I started getting some fantastic guidance on how to cope when the enemy attacks. I was guided to start learning how to turn to the Word of God as the Sword of the Spirit. I began to learn how powerful the Shield of Faith really is. I started turning to prayer, more and more. I also realized what an amazing testimony that night was - God was there and protecting me the whole time, bless His Holy Name. He wasn't leaving me alone, and He never will.

Where am I now? A member of the prayer ministry. A member of the children's and youth ministry. I've committed to being part of the Queensborough church plant. (I am still part of the kitchen team, and still haven't burnt Calvary down!) I needed that push to start learning about spiritual warfare to enable to me survive with what I am doing today. Do I always make it through unscathed? No. Do I stumble and fall? Yes. Is Jesus there, picking me up every time I do? Absolutely. He is our God, ever faithful, ever loving, ever merciful. I am blessed beyond measure, far beyond what I could ever deserve, that I have the ability to serve Him and worship Him.

The words I heard last night didn't frighten me. I don't know what's around the corner for me, I don't know what will happen, and that's okay. I'm at peace.

"And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Phil 4:7 (NIV)

I really never thought I would do this

A blog? Me? Who in their right mind would want to hear (read?) the jumbled yammering of this odd misfit?

Huh.

That question really isn't for me to answer is it? To be honest, I am not sure it matters. I do need some form of journal with everything that's going on in my life, and when I saw that a Pastor that I greatly respect (although have never met) started a blog on here, I felt a tug to do the same.

This blog is not going to be about me. I won't be expressing my likes or dislikes about movies, what I ate for dinner, or how I have been told that screwdrivers (the tool) and I are not emotionally compatible. This is going to be about God, what He is doing in my life, and various observations and discoveries along those lines. My life isn't about me anymore, it's about giving Him the glory, and I can't see blogging being any different.