A new creation

I'm overtired. Now unfortunately, when I am overtired, I have this habit of communicating with anyone possible to try and keep myself awake and amused. So, I send a few emails, a few texts, and frankly, not getting much reply.I think to myself, "Grrrrr, what's going on? Why doesn't anyone want to talk to me? How can I stay awake and happy when I'm bored and going to fall asleep and no one is entertaining me?" I was whining.

Turns out, someone did want to talk to me. Not just someone. The Holy Spirit had something to say, and when I realized that there wasn't anyone on earth that was going to help me keep occupied and happy today, I turned back to Him, which is where I should have been all along."Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new." 2 Cor 5:17 (NKJV)

God lead me to that verse, and He started speaking to me about it. I'm sure we've all heard the comparison between turning to the Lord and a caterpillar turning into a butterfly. It's a good analogy, but I didn't realize part of it until today.How often do you see a butterfly carrying around it's cocoon? You don't. It's been transformed, not partially, but fully, completely, and in doing so has left its old life behind. We become new creatures when we accept Christ into our life as Lord and Savior - yet how many of us still hold onto the baggage, the junk, the remnants of our old life.

As I'm pondering all this, another verse is given to me."My help comes from the LORD, Who made heaven and earth" Ps 121:2

Hmmmmm. Okay, so if I'm a new creation in Christ, and all things in me have become new, why am I keeping my old habit of turning to people to keep myself amused, when in all things, my help comes from the Lord?

Father, I love You and worship You. I give you the glory, Lord, as You alone are worthy of all praise. Father, forgive me for turning to the ways of man, instead of to You, in my time of need. Teach me, Lord, and guide me, focus my eyes on You and You alone. Never let me forget that I am a new creation in You, and that I have truly become new. Imprint the truth on my heart that my help comes from You and You alone. I thank You, Lord for all that You have done in me and for all that You are continuing to do. I thank You, Father, and I ask this in the precious name of Jesus. Amen.

God is so faithful, and I thank Him and bless His Holy Name for opening my eyes. I've been focusing on Him and not only am I not feeling bored anymore, I'm also feeling less tired.God is good. All the time.

Notes to myself

Some things to remember this week:

- c&p from email sent -
Have you ever walked by someone, or had someone walk by you, that looks totally normal (as in, not a junkie, not drunk, not really unhappy lookin, not obviously mentally ill or what have you) and you feel the oppression coming from them? That happened to me this morning. It almost knocked me over. I stopped and prayed, didn't approach the woman, she was a few feet away from me at a bus stop, and I just prayed right then and there. She looked fine, there was no reason really to feel that way, but whoa.
I have had that happen a few times before I guess, clearest memory was at the seminar when we had our eyes closed and we were praying for revelation, didn't know who was in front of us and I just felt overwhelming fear coming from the person. We were asking for those revelations then, this time, I was just listening to Third Day and minding my own business.
Huh. Guess God had other ideas. I did feel things begin to lift as I prayed.

- identifying the soul tie bind J's under, and starting to interceed to break it. Then realizing something that should already be broken in me isn't - and that it needs to be. The bank card being "mysteriously" eaten seems to confirm that. (Yes, there is a connection between that bank card and a soul tie. That won't make sense to anyone but me, but it's the truth.) Very painful, but whatever I need to do to die to the world, I will do.

- almost getting sickened by the wrongness of the "testimony" given about seeing "satan" and the angels in chat. It was just unbelievably wrong.

- prayerfuly beginning a hunt to discern the truth about the Florida revivals in Lakeland, and that whole situation. Even more disunity in the church is being threatened.

"Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free." John 8:32 (NIV)

Recent vision and dream

Just noting this here to get it in writing somewhere, as at this time I don't feel emailing anyone is appropriate;

- Monday - middle of the prayer ministry meeting - saw a grassy hill on a clear day - looked very peaceful on the surface, but it felt wrong, I felt complacency. Lorraine thinks it has to do with changing seasons in my life, I feel it's a warning, but who for, I don't know. Still praying.

- Early this morning - first dream I've been able to remember decently in a bit - I was in a house with people that were familiar, but I'm not sure who. I was visiting and looking around, things seemed good at first, but then as I turned to go, I saw a swarm of mice and rats, eating off of a plate. I turned around, and saw a few more. I tried to say, hey, ummmm, y'all gonna do something about this? But I was being ignored. So I hollered again, ummm, guys, you got a problem here, do something. Again, nothing, one person said there was nothing they could do, and shrugged. So I shouted out "Call the exterminator!" in a commanding tone, and then I walked out, and woke up.

What I understand - the mice and rats are an invited demonic/spiritual attack. I need to warn. Calling the exterminator is calling out to Jesus. What I don't know yet - what the house is/who the people are, how they are inviting the attack (it's obviously very invited, with the rats and mice eating off of plates), and why I walk out. Lot more praying to do.

Unrelated - I also don't know why I have the story of Noah getting drunk and his sons on my heart for the study tonight, but I do.

"It is the glory of God to conceal a matter,
But the glory of kings is to search out a matter. " Prov 25:2 (NKJV)

Guess I need to keep going, eh?

Somehow, I've ended up as the leader/moderator of an online bible study. I don't really even know how that happened. It wasn't my idea to begin with, that person has decided it's not for him, he gets too frustrated. People have been taking turns leading it, but I've ended up being dubbed the leader by those who participate (even though it varies nightly, we do have "regulars".) When I'm not leading it myself, I end up assisting, and keeping the room from getting too off track and from getting into disagreements. (Of course, discussions happen, we have to be led by the Spirit and go where He takes us. We have heard some amazing testimonies, how the Scriptures relate to people's lives, etc) When I told the gang last night that I wouldn't be around tonight, they weren't happy.

I tried to explain that it's not me doing this, and I don't have to be around. That others can step up and take the initiative, and they will be lead. It's all God, not me, or anyone else in particular. I pray they take that to heart, as my next totally free evening isn't until next Wednesday.
Honestly, being involved in this is exhausting, and at times really frustrating. On average, we end up with 8-10 people, and we're all in different areas of spiritual development. It surprises me, but those who are very experienced Christians seem to still put me in the role of moderator. I feel very relieved and blessed when Marshall comes in, whose knowledge just blows me away, and just supports me, with the occasional comment or suggestion on where to take the room, or what insight to give. With his life, however, he can't be around for long, so I normally just allow myself to be lead and pray through it.

Last night was a real challenge. I lead, and was pulled to talk about deeds, ie James 2:14-26. I went for it. The expected uproar about saving grace ensued, We got that straightened out, which included a brief sidetrack as we had to explain the concept of grace to someone. There were a couple of people in the room who feel that things like smiling at strangers is good enough and that it's pretty much impossible to show your faith through your action and behaviours. Neither I nor anyone else is there to judge anyone (I flat out told people last night that I suck, as I really am nothing, there's so much more I could be doing, sigh). However, we tried to shed a bit of light on the subject, went to Romans 12:1 and Rev 22:12, and I believe most people gained some insight from the conversation.

When I woke up this morning, I was plagued with feelings of insecurity. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm going to screw this up. I shouldn't be doing this. I need to get someone who knows what they are doing to take over. It's not worth it, I should just give up, no one is getting anything out of it. (The enemy obviously does not head to Starbucks at 6am for a coffee break and a smoke. Dang.)

Admittedly, I was feeling pretty lousy, but that was only for a few minutes. I started praising Him, and within seconds, God gave me a verse - John 21:15-17 - where Jesus asks Peter three times if he loves Him, and if so, to feed His sheep.

Okay, okay, got the message, loud and clear.

It may not be easy, but I guess I need to keep going with this,. As long as I rely on God to lead me through this, not on my own strength and knowledge, I'll be fine. I trust Him. I have to admit, the insights have been great, I've been learning too, and it's pushing me to read the Word more as well.

Sick for a reason

I hate being sick. I really do. Right now, I have way too much going on in my life to have time to be sick.

When I woke up and was definitely sick yesterday morning, I was not pleased. There was nothing I could do, however, but stay in bed and try and rest. Thankfully, I did get some rest.
Once I got up and started functioning, I tried to make my day as "normal" as possible. I tried talking to some friends, which got me nowhere. I emailed one of my pastors to talk about the meeting we were supposed to have in the afternoon, didn't get a reply. Tried to pray, couldn't concentrate. Tried to read the Word, still couldn't concentrate. I managed to listen to an hour of Chuck Missler, but I have to question how much I actually took in. I couldn't even concentrate well just hanging out and goofing off with some friends online.

As the day wore on, I was becoming increasingly frustrated with both the circumstances of the day, and with myself for not being able to do anything. I distinctly remember thinking "how can I be doing anything to serve God when I'm feeling like this? How can I spend any time with Him if I can't even concentrate on prayer??"

Needless to say, I was feeling worse and worse. I was unable to make it to Bible study. I actually tried to get a ride (I couldn't handle the bus) but was unable to reach anyone. God had other plans.

I had already told people that I wasn't going to be at the bible study we've been having online, and I certainly did not have anything prepared. I didn't feel capable of even coming up with something, so if no one else had, I was going to forget the study. However, one of the regulars found me online, and although he wasn't prepared with anything, he insisted that I show up so they could pray for me. I agreed, a little reluctantly.

So, we headed over for bible study. No one else was there. I was just about to say that we should forget it when someone new wandered in. He had n idea there was a study going on, but when we told him that we normally did a study at this time, his reply was "Oh good, I haven't been a very good Christian lately."

All of a sudden, I wasn't feeling quite so physically ill. Perhaps I stopped paying attention, I'm not sure. However, after the prayer, I engaged him in conversation, and soon enough, I was leading a discussion on 2 Cor 6:14-16. (He had been lead astray by some non-Christian friends.) A few other people appeared, and everyone was pleased. No one was happier than the one who had wandered in by accident, however. He was beyond relieved to be able to talk about what was going on in his life, and to have found people that were willing to listen, and who could guide him based on the Scriptures. (Please note that I don't feel that I am capable of leading a Bible study, I pray through them and the Spirit gives me words to ummm...type) We closed, I lead in prayer for him, and there seemed to be quite a breakthrough.

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

Seems like I was feeling to ill to go to my normal bible study for a reason, doesn't it?

As I was being thanked by the others who were around for my words, I started sputtering a bit and reminded them that it wasn't me, it was Him. and just as I have said in the past to a few people, one person flat out told me that I allowed God to use me, and that in itself deserved thanks. Although I know that it is our duty to do so, there is some truth in that. If you surrender yourself to God and allow Him to use you, no matter what circumstance you are in, He will do it. The results are beyond amazing, and totally unexpected.

As I sit here this morning drinking chicken broth and ginger ale, and eating jellybeans (I'm still not feeling great, and yes, jellybeans are always necessary), I am just beyond grateful that God is in control, not us. He really does know what He's doing.

"But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation" Psalm 13:5 (NIV)

Choices

Making a decision isn't always an easy task, making the correct choice can be even more difficult.

I was in a real jam about what to do this upcoming Friday night. There is an insurance industry event which, while far from mandatory, would be good for me to attend. There will be refreshments, including a fair amount of free flowing alcohol. Friday nights are my night to go to at least one prayer meeting however, and we have a teen retreat planned for Saturday, so prayer is really needed.

I was torn. I could go out and have fun, I mean, it's not like I'd have more than one drink. (Or would I?)
It's not like I'd be tempted to go wild again. (Or would I?)
It's not like I haven't been doing enough for God lately. (Ummmm, excuse me? I haven't been doing near enough, thank you. Hmmmmm, I think the enemy wants me to go out and have fun instead of going to pray. Funny that.)

In my head and in my heart, I knew that I should be going to pray, but I started making plans to go to the industry event anyhow. I wasn't feeling good about it, however.

Tonight after Bible study, a few people are talking about some of evangelism stuff that's been going on. I basically said,"hey, you guys never let me know what's going on with that stuff!" With the upcoming church plant, I need to get my feet wet somewhere. We'll be doing door to door evangelism, tent meetings, plus other activities. This is all very new to me, but I need to start somewhere. I had missed the information about the last event, so Glen says to me "Okay, Friday night, we'll be at New West Station, we're there every Friday, arriving around 5pm."

I started saying that I don't think I can come, but then I felt some stirring inside. I felt as if the Holy Spirit was saying something like "You've said it's all about Me, you've said that I am more important to you than the world. Okay Barb, prove it!"

Saying that I felt horrible inside at that point would be an understatement.

On the way home, I turned to Victor and said "If there's a competition between God and the insurance industry for my priorities, the insurance industry simply cannot win."

I'd rather spend my Friday night giving Him the glory than anything else. Period.

When we try and make decisions on our own, boy do we mess them up, eh? Thankfully God stepped in. I am looking forward to seeing what He does that night.

"So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God." 1 Cor 10:31 (NIV)

I just totally stumbled upon that verse, by the way. It fits, doesn't it?

Easter miracles

This weekend, we celebrated a miracle, the most amazing miracle the has ever seen. While most of us get wrapped up in a fictional rabbit and eating as much formed chocolate as we can, it can be easy to forget the true significance of the weekend. I'm guilty too - one of my Easter traditions is taking marshmallow Peeps, putting them in the microwave, and watching them grow. We forget that approximately 2000 years ago, someone died for us. Someone who knew our name, who knew every wrong thing we would do, who knew how unfaithful we would be to Him, yet He died for us anyhow. He loves us that much.

That alone is pretty phenomenal, isn't it? It makes me think. Humbles me. Fills me with a barrage of emotions that I can't really put into words. It's amazing.

And yet, that isn't the end of the story. He is Risen.

I'm sure some people who end up reading this will roll their eyes, yeah, yeah, we know the story. (Ummmm, if anyone reads it, lol.) How often, however, do we really think about the significance of Easter in our lives today? Do we think about it at all? Do we remember and acknowledge with our lives, our thoughts, out actions, the God we serve? Or do we grab some ham and mini eggs, and shrug off the weekend as a dim memory of a hisotry long past?

Personally, I am beyond grateful for what Jesus did for me. I am awed by the extreme sacrifice, and the Almighty power shown in His resurrection. To some, Easter may seem like it's about endings, but it seems a lot more about beginnings to me.

I was given the opportunity over the past few weeks to speak with someone who had basically lost his faith. Now, I am neither the wisest nor the most experienced person with this sort of thing - quite the opposite, I felt totally lost most of the time. I prayed and asked God to direct my words, but I wasn't feeling good about what was going on. Last week, things really came to a head. I was honestly scared both for him and by him. I wouldn't leave him alone, though. I stayed and let him talk, although I felt beyond unequipped for the situation. I listened and prayed. It didn't seem to be going anywhere.

On Sunday, things changed.. All of a sudden, he acknowledged that he needed to get right with God again. That he was hurting and scared. And that he couldn't do this alone.

Wow.

We serve a miracle working God.

I don't know what exactly triggered this person to come around, but I don't think the timing was a coincidence, On the anniversary of the day that our Lord and Savior rose from the grave, someone's hope and faith rose with Him. I don't know what will happen with this person, but I'm still praying, and trusting the Spirit to do what needs to be done. After all, without the Spirit, he couldn't have been brought back to begin with.

When I think of all this, pigging out on chocolate and exploding Peeps kind of loses its appeal. What can I say. Oh! I know.

He has Risen, Indeed!

"...And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age" Matthew 28:20 (NIV)