Choices

Making a decision isn't always an easy task, making the correct choice can be even more difficult.

I was in a real jam about what to do this upcoming Friday night. There is an insurance industry event which, while far from mandatory, would be good for me to attend. There will be refreshments, including a fair amount of free flowing alcohol. Friday nights are my night to go to at least one prayer meeting however, and we have a teen retreat planned for Saturday, so prayer is really needed.

I was torn. I could go out and have fun, I mean, it's not like I'd have more than one drink. (Or would I?)
It's not like I'd be tempted to go wild again. (Or would I?)
It's not like I haven't been doing enough for God lately. (Ummmm, excuse me? I haven't been doing near enough, thank you. Hmmmmm, I think the enemy wants me to go out and have fun instead of going to pray. Funny that.)

In my head and in my heart, I knew that I should be going to pray, but I started making plans to go to the industry event anyhow. I wasn't feeling good about it, however.

Tonight after Bible study, a few people are talking about some of evangelism stuff that's been going on. I basically said,"hey, you guys never let me know what's going on with that stuff!" With the upcoming church plant, I need to get my feet wet somewhere. We'll be doing door to door evangelism, tent meetings, plus other activities. This is all very new to me, but I need to start somewhere. I had missed the information about the last event, so Glen says to me "Okay, Friday night, we'll be at New West Station, we're there every Friday, arriving around 5pm."

I started saying that I don't think I can come, but then I felt some stirring inside. I felt as if the Holy Spirit was saying something like "You've said it's all about Me, you've said that I am more important to you than the world. Okay Barb, prove it!"

Saying that I felt horrible inside at that point would be an understatement.

On the way home, I turned to Victor and said "If there's a competition between God and the insurance industry for my priorities, the insurance industry simply cannot win."

I'd rather spend my Friday night giving Him the glory than anything else. Period.

When we try and make decisions on our own, boy do we mess them up, eh? Thankfully God stepped in. I am looking forward to seeing what He does that night.

"So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God." 1 Cor 10:31 (NIV)

I just totally stumbled upon that verse, by the way. It fits, doesn't it?

Easter miracles

This weekend, we celebrated a miracle, the most amazing miracle the has ever seen. While most of us get wrapped up in a fictional rabbit and eating as much formed chocolate as we can, it can be easy to forget the true significance of the weekend. I'm guilty too - one of my Easter traditions is taking marshmallow Peeps, putting them in the microwave, and watching them grow. We forget that approximately 2000 years ago, someone died for us. Someone who knew our name, who knew every wrong thing we would do, who knew how unfaithful we would be to Him, yet He died for us anyhow. He loves us that much.

That alone is pretty phenomenal, isn't it? It makes me think. Humbles me. Fills me with a barrage of emotions that I can't really put into words. It's amazing.

And yet, that isn't the end of the story. He is Risen.

I'm sure some people who end up reading this will roll their eyes, yeah, yeah, we know the story. (Ummmm, if anyone reads it, lol.) How often, however, do we really think about the significance of Easter in our lives today? Do we think about it at all? Do we remember and acknowledge with our lives, our thoughts, out actions, the God we serve? Or do we grab some ham and mini eggs, and shrug off the weekend as a dim memory of a hisotry long past?

Personally, I am beyond grateful for what Jesus did for me. I am awed by the extreme sacrifice, and the Almighty power shown in His resurrection. To some, Easter may seem like it's about endings, but it seems a lot more about beginnings to me.

I was given the opportunity over the past few weeks to speak with someone who had basically lost his faith. Now, I am neither the wisest nor the most experienced person with this sort of thing - quite the opposite, I felt totally lost most of the time. I prayed and asked God to direct my words, but I wasn't feeling good about what was going on. Last week, things really came to a head. I was honestly scared both for him and by him. I wouldn't leave him alone, though. I stayed and let him talk, although I felt beyond unequipped for the situation. I listened and prayed. It didn't seem to be going anywhere.

On Sunday, things changed.. All of a sudden, he acknowledged that he needed to get right with God again. That he was hurting and scared. And that he couldn't do this alone.

Wow.

We serve a miracle working God.

I don't know what exactly triggered this person to come around, but I don't think the timing was a coincidence, On the anniversary of the day that our Lord and Savior rose from the grave, someone's hope and faith rose with Him. I don't know what will happen with this person, but I'm still praying, and trusting the Spirit to do what needs to be done. After all, without the Spirit, he couldn't have been brought back to begin with.

When I think of all this, pigging out on chocolate and exploding Peeps kind of loses its appeal. What can I say. Oh! I know.

He has Risen, Indeed!

"...And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age" Matthew 28:20 (NIV)

God is so faithful

Let's face it - we're very fallible. We make promises and break them, make commitments and then forget, etc. On numerous occasions, no matter how good our intent, we have end up disappointing people.

Perhaps that is why it can be difficult for us to trust God at times. We doubt, we don't take Him at His Word, we question and we struggle to do things on our own. We forget that the difference between us and the Lord is beyond measure, and we put limits on what we feel He can and will do for us.

When we cast those limits aside, turn to Him and trust Him, truly amazing things do happen. I got a very vivid reminder of this just last night.

Our church (non-denominational, FYI) believes very strongly in "prayer languages", praying in the Spirit, praying in tongues, however you want to label it. You hear it all the time, and from what I have seen, all of the leaders, elders, deacons, etc., pray in tongues. A while back, I was encouraged (not pressured, I want to make that very clear) to pray to be given a prayer language and learn to pray in the Spirit. So, I did.. After a while, I started getting a little discouraged - although I have friends across the continent who have never spoken or prayed in tongues and I am well aware of that, it started to seem like I was the only one not doing it. I prayed more and gave it up to the Lord. He's promised to give us whatever gifts we need to fulfill our purpose. I told Him that I know that He has given me what I need already, and asked that He reveal more in me so I am able to serve Him better. The Spirit responded, speaking to me, and told me that my prayers would be answered, and I got a vision of me, on my knees, at home.

Whoa. Praise God!

As time went on, however, doubts started creeping into my mind again, and I started wondering if something was wrong with me. (Patience is a Fruit of the Spirit that I really need to develop.) The enemy was taking advantage of my own insecurities, and trying to use something so beautiful against me. I recognized it and was turning to God to fight it off, although I certainly had some rough moments. Yesterday was a very hard day, work was very challenging, I was feeling very alone, but I was trying to turn to Jesus with every negative thought and give Him the glory. I knew I was under attack.

As bible study was ending last night, I felt like I had the rug pulled out from under me. I was approached by a friend who was really excited. She'd been asking me about praying in tongues a couple weeks ago, and she told me that she'd started doing it. I gave her a hug and told her how excited I was for her, but inside, I felt crushed. Slammed. What is wrong with me? I was pretty unhappy when I got home. I thought about just saying forget it and goofing off online, but before I went and did that, I started praying and praising His name, giving Jesus all the glory and telling Him that I trust Him, and that I know things will happen at the perfect time, in accordance to His divine will. Then I hung out with some online friends for a bit, then got ready for bed.

When I went down on my knees to pray last night, it happened. I started praying in tongues. I was happy waiting on Him. I was trusting Him. I knew He'd keep His word to me, and I bless His holy Name.

Anyone who knows me should be very aware that I am nobody special. I am flawed and broken, sometimes very lost and confused. Thankfully, nothing I have done, nothing I am doing, and nothing that I will do is through my own strength or skills. It's all God, because of Him, for Him, and through Him. Words can't express my gratitude. I know He will keep working in me, as He will in ANYONE who opens him or herself to Him. I'm nothing. He is everything. He is so faithful and we are so blessed.

"God is not a man, that he should lie, nor a son of man, that he should change his mind. Does he speak and then not act? Does he promise and not fulfill?" Numbers 23:19 (NIV)

"The enemy is not going to like this."

Those were words I heard last night, at my first prayer ministry meeting. The prayer ministry leader was introducing the new members to the prayer team, and he was being honest. I've learned a great deal over the last few months, one thing definitely being that the more you serve God, the more you put yourself out there for Him, the more leaps of faith you take, the more somebody is going to try to bring you down.

Sounds scary, doesn't it? At times, it is scary. Really scary. A couple months ago I experienced an incredibly strong spiritual attack in middle of a prayer meeting. I had been feeling down for a couple of days, but when I went to the prayer meeting, cast my burdens aside and started praying, I was feeling better. I thought things were okay, but in all honesty, I wasn't being watchful like we are instructed to be. My mind was a blank when, in middle of a worship song, the attack came in the form of a thought: "If things don't get better, you could always kill yourself."

What? NO!

I'm not suicidal, thank the Lord. I haven't been for a long time, but it is certainly something I struggled with as a teenager and as a child.

And so the thought came. My reaction was simple, in my head "What? NO!" I would have discounted it completely, just one of those crazy thoughts, but as I was rejecting that thought in my head, all of a sudden I heard screaming. Across the room, one of the sisters started yelling out that the devil was trying to get someone in the room to think about suicide. She was near hysterics, screaming and crying "Don't do it, don't do it, the devil is a liar, don't listen!"

Whoa. I was terrified at that point. I kept my face as calm as possible and carried on with the meeting, at one point thinking, well, maybe it wasn't me. Maybe someone else was thinking the same thought. The Holy Spirit answered me with the thought "No, it was you" and then an overwhelming feeling of peace and comfort. Wow.

For a long time, I didn't want to talk about that night. I didn't want people thinking that I was nuts, depressed, or anything else. Today I look on that night as another turning point. Despite my fears, I started talking about it, praying about it, and I started getting some fantastic guidance on how to cope when the enemy attacks. I was guided to start learning how to turn to the Word of God as the Sword of the Spirit. I began to learn how powerful the Shield of Faith really is. I started turning to prayer, more and more. I also realized what an amazing testimony that night was - God was there and protecting me the whole time, bless His Holy Name. He wasn't leaving me alone, and He never will.

Where am I now? A member of the prayer ministry. A member of the children's and youth ministry. I've committed to being part of the Queensborough church plant. (I am still part of the kitchen team, and still haven't burnt Calvary down!) I needed that push to start learning about spiritual warfare to enable to me survive with what I am doing today. Do I always make it through unscathed? No. Do I stumble and fall? Yes. Is Jesus there, picking me up every time I do? Absolutely. He is our God, ever faithful, ever loving, ever merciful. I am blessed beyond measure, far beyond what I could ever deserve, that I have the ability to serve Him and worship Him.

The words I heard last night didn't frighten me. I don't know what's around the corner for me, I don't know what will happen, and that's okay. I'm at peace.

"And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Phil 4:7 (NIV)

I really never thought I would do this

A blog? Me? Who in their right mind would want to hear (read?) the jumbled yammering of this odd misfit?

Huh.

That question really isn't for me to answer is it? To be honest, I am not sure it matters. I do need some form of journal with everything that's going on in my life, and when I saw that a Pastor that I greatly respect (although have never met) started a blog on here, I felt a tug to do the same.

This blog is not going to be about me. I won't be expressing my likes or dislikes about movies, what I ate for dinner, or how I have been told that screwdrivers (the tool) and I are not emotionally compatible. This is going to be about God, what He is doing in my life, and various observations and discoveries along those lines. My life isn't about me anymore, it's about giving Him the glory, and I can't see blogging being any different.